Silence By The Lake

[Rodimus Prime]

OOC: Day 15. This is a semi-private scene. Please ask before joining.

Rodimus Prime has been very busy. No sooner did he (partially, somewhat) catch up on his off-line time when the "good" Decepticons arrived, and they had to be dealt with. After that, the Prime has had a talk with Kup to encourage picking a location for an ambush... a trap... something.

They're still going about this all half-cocked, but better that than going at all.

Given some of the things that have been suggested and proposed, however, Rodimus's stress level is... a little high, even for him, and he's finally forced himself to take a bit of quiet time. Not long, he promises himself. Maybe just a half an hour by a lake that had been located a bit off the beaten path between the temple and the nearest tunnel entrance. Half an hour and no more, to gaze at the organic world, familiar thanks to his years on Earth and his once-bond with the Nebulan, but alien at the same time, half an hour to strengthen his mind.

He sits on the edge of the lake, tucked beneath the shadow of the trees, and studies it in silence while he focuses his mind.

After he had been there for perhaps ten, fifteen minutes, he says softly to himself, "You know, I could really use a properly scaled fishing rod."

[Shanodin]

Rodimus is not the only one looking for a short escape and a chance to refresh. Nor is he the only one who has been running almost non-stop since the other Decepticons arrived. The lake is a place of quiet reflection, and Botanica has slipped off to it a time or two now to reclaim her balance. A few stolen minutes, just to breathe and think.

So when she spies the flame-coloured Prime, she almost lets him be, reluctant to interrupt his own rest time. But...she has been looking for a chance to speak to him privately, and here, in this place of calm, might be a better place to broach the subject on her mind.

She hears his quiet wish, and replies- via radio

//You'd have poor luck, I think. The feel of the water plants indicates that they are seldom disturbed; the fish would be wary.//

Of course, he can likely hear her voice as well. But she isn't showing herself till he responds appropriately.

[Rodimus Prime]

//So in other words... it'd take more time than I have,// Rodimus replies, also over the radio. It's a security thing, after all. Not that his blue optics and the distinct lack of random damage to the area around him shouldn't give it away.

He turns to search the woods, his optics scanning carefully, but he's out here to be in touch with himself, not the thing inside him, and is currently no more 'sensitive' to life-force than is his norm.

[Shanodin]

Appearances can be changed, which makes the security precaution prudent. Especially given the items currently resting in a pouch Botanica has hidden in her "skirt". Surely their Rodimus is not the only one to consider such a ruse, after all. She holds the pouch out to Rodimus as she moves away from the vine tangle she had been using as camouflage.

"It is a peaceful place, this lake. We were both seeking the same solace, I think," She smiles slightly, "I would not normally interrupt your pursuit of what I know you so badly need, however, I've been meaning to get these to you."

Botanica studies Rodimus for a moment, "How are you faring?"

[Rodimus Prime]

"Ah, good, thank you," Rodimus replies, accepting the replacement lenses. He studies them for a moment and then smirks faintly, shaking his head. "The humans sometimes talk of 'seeing the world through rose-colored glasses.' Somehow, I don't think this was what they were referring to."

He shifts positions, then slides off the rock he had been sitting on so that he can lean back on it instead. Coincidently, this puts him a bit more on the same level as Botanica. Just coincidently. Too many people seeking the same solace at the same time ruin it, but Botanica alone is fair enough company. He shrugs one shoulder as he tucks away the false lenses in subspace. "I'm doing about as well as can be expected. I'll be ready for the battle when it comes."

[Shanodin]

Botanica smiles faintly, "'As well as can be expected' can be quite subjective, you know. You are too worn. But we are all stretched too thin, and nothing can be done for it at the moment."

For a few minutes she remains quiet, merely enjoying the calm and the green with the Prime. The plants and trees are happy here, balanced, though there is some trepidation due to the Prime's presence. She is loathe to bring up what might be unpleasant topics, but the chance of catching Rodimus alone again in the near future are rather slim.

"Did you and the Emirate settle whatever differences of opinion you had yesterday?"

[Rodimus Prime]

"It's nothing new and nothing specific to this place, Botanica," Rodimus smiles sadly at the Maximal's observation that he's too worn. It's something he knows very well.

He settles down into the companionable silence with Botanica, once more watching the lake, his expression distant but thoughtful. Still, he's not so far away that he doesn't catch her words immediately, nor their significance. The Prime frowns. That damnable secret.

He shrugs his shoulders, but it's an almost imperceptible motion. "More or less," he answers. "More more than less."

[Shanodin]

"Rodimus," she turns toward him slightly, one primary hand reaching out to try and settle comforting on Rodimus' arm, "You asked me once to tell you if I determined why the sense of familiarity I get from you disturbs me more than comforts. I think, perhaps, that I have come to a conclusion which can actually be articulated."

Another hand comes up to rest under her chin. "You feel like Cybertron, and yet you shouldn't. Similarities between realities are one thing. But you don't feel similar to my home; you feel like my home, no difference. Given that Primus exists in your reality, I can concede the point of a multi-dimensional creator or god, but still." She shrugs, then continues, "But beyond that is the fact that I am quite perceptive, Rodimus Prime; I see that you bear your title quite heavily. If Primus is the same across realities and time, and I understand correctly that your Matrix is a part of him...," she shakes her head, "That you seem old before your time worries me. The Matrix and your title should not be a burden, Rodimus."

[Rodimus Prime]

"Hmmm," Rodimus considers Botanica's observations on the nature of similarities between Cybertrons. And more important, he considers what she does not say - she says nothing of sensing an alien, outside influence in him. The Prime counts that as good, really - it means he's still in control. Finally, he nods. "But still, even if you can concede a multi-dimensional creator or god, it's unnerving to come face to face with what may well be taken as direct support for it?" he asks, finishing Botanica's sentence with his own best guess at her point. As he speaks, he studies her carefully, searching her expression for an indication on how close he is to the mark.

And then, he listens again to what else the platformer has to say. "Old before my time? Botanica, I... well, Hot Rod was four million years old. There are plenty of Transformers at about that same age who come off seeming... well, not Kup's age, sure, but maybe more like Perceptor, Mirage, or Skyfire. It's experiences and what one takes away from them that makes for a mature mindset, and when I gained the Matrix... I gained knowledge, experiences that stretch back to the dawn of time itself. I can't usually just call up specific memories on command, but they're there, and they've shaped who I've become as surely as if they were my own."

"Maturity comes with the Matrix. Age comes with the Matrix. And... responsibility. I'm sorry, Botanica, but if you think my title should not be a burden, that just shows how little you really understand of war and the pressures of sustaining leadership during it. Hot Rod... he took the war lightly. He was a child, and the business of battle, of casually depriving your opponents of their lives, those were his childhood games, played, often, with little worry for the long term effects, or even the short term effects. I can't afford that mindset, and to be honest, I don't want it back. I like understanding that my actions have consequences, that even if I must kill to serve a greater good, it doesn't mean that killing itself is right."

He sighs, realizing he's gone on for longer than he meant to. He shakes his head and rubs the bridge of his nose. "Maybe... maybe your reality is different. But for us, the title and the Matrix have always been a burden. Optimus felt it, and now I do. But... it is my burden, and I accept it. I may not always like it, but I understand the need for it... in a way that Hot Rod never could have. Because... well, it might have worked with something that was already there, but it is what made me who I am today, in as literal a sense as you can imagine. And because I am who I am, I'll do what needs be done."

[Shanodin]

Botanica waits until Rodimus has had his say, taking in and considering the points made by the Prime. She waits a moment or two after he has finished speaking, collecting her thoughts. Finally she nods.

"You are right. I know almost nothing of war. I am driven, by nature and programming, to nurture, which is why I voice my concerns for you as I do. This," she waves her hand, as if to indicate their entire situation, "is more than a little foreign to me. I can only draw conclusions based on my own experiences and observations. You talk about age in the real sense, about maturity, but even if one considers those factors, that does not change what I see."

"Kup is older than any of us, yes? But he doesn't feel old, does not seem to hurt, as you seem to from time to time. Responsibility is always a burden, and you have the greatest responsibility of us all. I know that. That does not stop me from thinking and wishing that it should not be that way."

She decides to sit on a boulder near Rodimus then, her vines automatically arranging themselves artfully around her. Her wound doesn't show in this form, and there is only a tiny twinge of pain across her face as she makes herself comfortable

"As for the other bit- you are also correct. I am a scientist after all, however existential I might seem at times. It is a...difficult thing to be confronted with."

"At any rate," she sighs, "There is little point in dwelling on wishes and wants. My point when I began was to offer you my confidence should you desire it. Sometimes merely sharing burdens with another can be helpful." And odd offer, perhaps, given that she is not of his time, or any similar, but that is why she offers. She is as close to an impartial confidante as one is likely to find, and beyond that, there is something about Rodimus Prime that encourages her tendency to nurture. Perhaps because he does feel so like her home soil.

[Rodimus Prime]

Rodimus allows himself a slight smile as Botanica makes her observations. It's not that the idea that he seems more pained, more burdened than Kup is a cheerful thought, but it's... nice to see her concerned with him.

At the Maximal's offer, though, that faint smile fades, and he studies her quietly, thoughtfully, for a long moment. He then turns to the lake and falls silent for several moments as he considers matters.

"I know that, actually. I speak with Kup, when we have time." So much like his own, and also privy to his secret. Of course, he's not anything near impartial, but that, too, is a comfort. Because he understands the things he has done, and does not condemn him for them, or for his mistakes.

The Boy Prime lowers his gaze. "Some of you... you're from such bright... such cheerful realities. Where the war is over, a distant memory, or just... you haven't done..." He shakes his head. "Botanica, I have done some terrible, terrible things in my time. And I will probably do some more. When I became Prime, the War had been going on for four million years, and I swore that with me as Prime, I will not see it go for four million more." He clenches his right fist, and his head lowers more. "But in order to end it, I've to be willing to... to do things that Optimus wouldn't." That name. That vaunted, legendary name, spoken of with naught but admiration and respect...

...and yet he kept the war going for millions of years.

[Shanodin]

Bright and cheerful? She would not use those words to describe her time. The war is over and done, but at the same time another is beginning. Change is never easy, and too many look at what was done as high-handed on Primal's part, and never mind that were it not for him, the whole lot would have ceased to be at all. Botanica can feel that what was done balanced her Cybertron, but beyond that...she would not trade what she is now, but what is right for a planet or an individual is not always right for the whole.

She nods gravely, "It is an often-asked question, if the end justifies the means. Or if the circumstances we work under justify the choices we make. You say you have done terrible things, and in the eyes of the onlooker perhaps that seems so." Her voice softens as she continues, "If such things are necessary, if you can live with the doing of them, and with their consequences, then judging you on them alone would be a grave disservice."

Botanica does not miss how Rodimus speaks of Optimus, almost as if his predecessor was a standard Rodimus could never hope to reach. "Optimus Prime is much lauded in my own reality's history, but it was not he who eventually brought us that first pause in hostilities¹. If you can succeed in bringing peace in your time, you will have accomplished a great thing, Rodimus Prime." She reaches out to try and pat Rodimus' arm, "You are raking yourself over coals stoked by your own lack of confidence, I think."

---

¹ Strictly an extrapolation of timeline based on the fact that what we know of BW/BM history seems to parallel G1 in a rough fashion. If anyone knows of anything that blatently contradicts, let me know.

[Rodimus Prime]

"This issue isn't whether I can live with what I've done. It's that I know that I couldn't live with the consequences of not doing what I've done. I can live with what the things I've done, but they'll never rest easy on me." He shakes his head, optics half-lidded. "And I don't want them to."

The Prime's expression turns to a grim smile below thoughtful optics as Botanica puts her finger - leaf? Vine? - directly on what is, essentially, Rodimus greatest weakness. No attempt is made to avoid having his arm patted. Indeed, he seems to draw comfort from it. Then, as he turns towards Botanica, the smile loses its grim edge and turns to a faint - and faintly youthful - smirk. "If you think I'm bad now, you should have met me when I was still new at this." He then looks back to the lake, studies that for a bit.

"I... know I'm better than I usually think I am, but while I have a handle on my doubts, I can't just dismiss them. They won't just vanish." He pauses, shifts his position, and watches the other for a few moments, his expression making it obvious that he's just taking the time to get words for difficult concepts to line up. Finally, though, what he says is simple enough. "If I... If it ever looks like I am being unusually bad about that... about letting the doubts hold sway... please, Botanica, you must tell Emirate Xaaron or Kup." Not Rodimus, himself. Strange that. "This is very important."

[Shanodin]

Rather than withdraw after giving that comforting gesture, Botanica opts to let her hand continue to rest on Rodimus' arm, if allowed. He seems to need something upon which to anchor and she does not mind being that something. Such is part of her function, after all. She shifts just a bit to make such a position more comfortable for her back, then joins Rodimus in gazing over the still lake.

"It is the fact that we feel worry and occasional guilt for doing what we deem necessary that helps separate us from our adversaries. A certain amount of self-doubt coupled with control helps prevent us turning into our skewed reflections." She turns a thoughtful eye on Rodimus, "If it matters, I think you are a credit to your line, Prime, based on what I have seen since arriving here. You and Emirate Xaaron together provide the two parts of leadership which our group needs."

Thoughtfulness turns to puzzlement tinged with worry at Rodimus' entreaty. "Are you prone to such extreme depressive bouts? I can understand advising Xaaron if I feel such may be affecting your health...but Kup? Is this because of your parallel histories and friendships?"

[Rodimus Prime]

Rodimus allows Botanica's hand to rest in place, and he smiles a bit shyly over at Botanica when she calls him a credit to his line. "I... thank you," he says to that, and that is all. What else is there to say?

But to the other questions, there is more.

"Prone to them? I don't think so," Rodimus says. "But they weaken my will, and the consequences if it gets too weak can be... disastrous. Kup, he, uhm.... he knows what to look for."